One of my favourites and I feel an excellent example of bachelor cooking at its best. Why? Because it works as a v. tasty and stylish addition to a romantic candlelit dinner on the balcony or as comfort food spooned right out of the saucepan while watching “Enter The Dragon” in your undergarments. And like most bachelors of independent means, it’s rich and thick. Also you only have to wash up one saucepan and two or three utensils afterwards. (Anyone who gets round to inventing a combination clothes and dishwasher has got my dollar.)
Here I quote quantities enough for two civilised side servings or one major individual stoned pigout.
- Enough potatoes to fill a 7-3/8 sized gray fedora with a black hatband. I’ve found your bog-standard washed supermarket spuds perfectly serviceable here. (As you will see, they are not really the key ingredient anyway),
- One onion no smaller, and certainly less green, than a tennis ball.
- One petite and polite turnip.
- Around two to three cloves of garlic (adjust for taste).
- A teaspoon of salt. Organic sea salt or generic supermarket? It’s salt for fucks sake.
- Two fucking great heaping tablespoons of full fat Philadelphia cream cheese.
- A tablespoon of good olive oil.
- A mouse-sized quantity of grated very vintage cheddar.
- Enough ground black pepper to make a cat sneeze like an AK-47 on full auto. (The size, nasal sensitivity and magazine capacity of your cat may vary here).
- One brimming teaspoon of tomato paste – Aha! You’re seeing the pink now aren’t you.
- One 750 ml bottle of decent vodka.
- Put vodka in freezer.
- Put somewhat over a litre of water on to boil in a (clean) saucepan and add the salt.
- Wash but do not peel the potatoes and by now rather embarrassed turnip. You want some skin in this game dude.
- Briskly and cheerfully cut the potatoes and the turnip into data stick-sized chunks and toss in the saucepan while singing along to the Stranglers’ “Hanging Around”.
- Chop the shit out of the onion and garlic until they start to liquefy. A bit of extra salt here drives this along. Then toss it all in saucepan.
- Pour yourself a vodka and maybe add a bit of the pepper to it. The cat probably has some unprintable serving suggestions here.
- Now you’ve got around about 10-15 minutes to kill. If you have company, make conversation. Take off the Stranglers and play her Vaughn Williams’ “Lark Ascending” instead , or some Nina Simone. If you have no company, then check out the extras on the Special Edition of “Enter The Dragon” – which include some of Bruce Lee’s home movies. Damn! He was one fast and skilful little fucker right from the get-go
- Once the saucepan’s come to the boil, probe its contents every few minutes until the knife parts the potato chunks without any apparent effort on your part, little grasshopper.
- Drain the water from the saucepan to leave behind a root vegetable concoction almost teetering on the edge of mushiness but not quite.
- Chuck in everything else you haven’t so far eg: cream cheese, olive oil, cheddar, pepper and tomato paste.
- Add another vodka shot to yourself and perhaps dribble a bit more into the steaming saucepan. Seriously. A tiny dash of vodka adds a certain piquant and tangy undertow to the overall flavour.
- Then mash baby mash! The title theme music from “Enter The Dragon” offers a good mashing tempo. Mashed to about the consistency of porridge is good. Fluid but still lumpy in a sleazy kinda way
- * Put saucepan back on stove under very very very very low heat – to steam out the remaining water and warm up the whipped-in air for that fluffy look ‘n’ feel while you sort out whatever else needs sorting out mealwise.
- Go on, have another vodka shot. If nothing in the kitchen’s still on fire, you’ve earnt it.
- Now dollop out and consume sexy pink mashed potatoes. Either on their own or with gourmet snags or some nice lamb chops.
I put on a kilo just typing this recipe out.